Medway parents find out son has died at 32-week private scan and raise money for Rochester charity Abigail's Footsteps
06:00, 18 August 2021
updated: 16:05, 18 August 2021
Grieving parents whose son was stillborn have raised thousands of pounds for a special cot to help other families spend precious time with their child.
WARNING: Sensitive images below -
Laura and Adam Gomme, from Lordswood in Chatham, were excitedly awaiting the arrival of their second child when they received the devastating news their son had no heartbeat during a scan.
Baby Toby was born at 32 weeks the day after Laura rushed to Medway Maritime Hospital on Saturday, May 1.
Laura, 35, said there was no signs of any problems during the pregnancy with Toby, which had been much more straightforward than the "one big complication" she had with her first child.
She said she had felt the baby moving just that morning and had no concerns at all going into the scan.
"It was a total shock," said Laura, who works as a diagnostic radiographer and had only gone on maternity leave the day before.
"My husband couldn't come to appointments because of Covid so we decided to have a private scan at 32 weeks so he could see baby before he was born.
"I have experience in imaging as a diagnostic radiographer and I could tell something wasn't quite right but I'd felt him moving that morning.
"I asked what's wrong and she said 'I'm so sorry, I can't find a heartbeat'.
"Hearing those words was devastating and the whole world just stopped. I burst into tears and couldn't believe it had happened.
"I was on the phone to my sister in tears saying 'he's gone, he's gone'.
"I went to Bluewater the day before and bought him a blanket and Moses basket. I'm so glad I did because it's the only thing we bought him we could give him at the hospital as the clothes we had didn't fit him."
Toby had suffered a hypercoiled umbilical cord which meant oxygen could not get through to him in the womb.
Laura says they were talking to a midwife in the bereavement suite who told them about the 'cold cots' they have.
The cots keep babies cold to enable families to hold and sit with their child for a few days until they are ready to say goodbye and come to terms with their loss.
"To have that time with Toby it just helped to make those memories with him," Laura said. "We read a story, held him and sung to him.
"I'm not sure everyone would understand that if you've not gone through it.
"We were able to say goodbye when we were ready."
Having gone through their tragic loss, Laura and Adam started talking about how the cots had helped them with their grief and wanted to do something in Toby's memory.
They decided to start raising money to buy one to donate to hospitals after learning that not all NHS maternity wards have access to them.
Laura said: "I had heard of the cots before and thought it was a given that as a bereaved parent you get to use them.
"They gave us a booklet and it said not every hospital has use of one as they are funded from bereaved families.
"I just thought having that time with Toby helped us through the grieving process.
"Those hospitals that don't have them mean parents have limited time and say goodbye before they are ready and that's heartbreaking.
"We wanted to make something good out of it and do something for Toby's legacy.
"It's still really tough and only been three months so it's still a bit raw. We're trying to do everything in his memory.
"Our daughter is three so it's hard with her because she's asking about him and we answer her questions as best we can about where he is and explain he's an angel in heaven. We talk about Toby when she asks about him."
The family have been working with Rochester-based Abigail's Footsteps – the Medway Messenger charity of the year – which was set up by David and Jo Ward in memory of their daughter who was stillborn, to help support bereaved families.
The charity supplies AbiCots to hospitals around the country and is aiming to have one in every hospital.
They had hoped to raise the £2,500 needed to buy an AbiCot by the time of Toby's first birthday but reached it in just four days. It will hold a plaque with Toby's name saying it had been donated in his memory.
"It's been amazing. We were so chuffed that people were out there paying attention and wanted to help. To raise that amount in four days was just crazy.
"It's awful to think of the first people who will use it but it is going to be used.
"You don't think about stillbirth and it happens so much more than you think. It doesn't have to be a taboo subject.
"But if you can help alleviate that pain and help the grieving process then what more can you do to honour Toby," Laura says.
"People have said about strength of mind to us but for us it's massively helped.
"We didn't know about and we think people should and I feel people can talk about it.
"I'm happy to talk about Toby and will until the cows come home – that's helped the process.
"I held him in my arms – he was real. I understand people might want to shut off and not see their child but Adam and I were on the same page and wanted to treat him as our son.
"I couldn't leave him but when they took him away that pain was just awful and something nobody should go through.
"We watched them take him away and my legs just went and that grief is just awful."
Toby's first cot will be donated to Kingsmill Hospital in Nottinghamshire and Laura hopes they will be able to visit to hand it over after it is delivered.
The family hope to raise as much money as possible for as many AbiCots as possible but any other money raised with go towards supporting Abigail's Footsteps other work supporting parents through bereavement counselling, funding midwife and healthcare professionals' training.
They have now raised more than £2,900 and Laura says she would love to have a second cot in Toby's memory by his first birthday on May 2 next year.
A spokesman for Abigail's Footsteps said: "Laura and Adam have done a fantastic job at raising just under £3,000 in a short period of time, to donate their first Abi Cot.
"It’s a wonderful legacy in Toby’s name to help support other families who will sadly go through the same experience. Thank you to all their family, friends and colleagues for donating and we hope you can help them further in their bid to donate a second Abi Cot.
Louise Heath, bereavement specialist midwife at Kingsmill Hospital thanked the Gomme family, adding: "This is amazing news and so generous of Laura and Adam to do this, after what must have been an awful experience for them loosing Toby. We will take great care of it and our families will benefit enormously."
David Ward, chief executive of Abigail's Footsteps, said: "When we had Abigail we only had two or three hours with her. The Abi Cot allows people to have two or three days if they wish."
To donate to Toby's cot fundraising page head to the GoFundMe page.
