Everyone feline good? Actually no, I’m increasing disgusted by and, in equal measure, incensed by, cats to the point I now detest the appalling creatures.

Words alone are not enough to describe the revolting stench in my back garden after it’s been fouled by large numbers of the visiting pussy population.

Could I reach a point where I would deposit one in a wheelie bin like the infamous Coventry cat bin woman Mary Bale did 12 years ago – I really don’t think so but I am desperate to discover a proper deterrent.

They say you’re either a dog lover or a cat lover and both types of people are very different.

One difference is, when my dog leaves a calling card I clear up after it to avoid the unpleasantness of anyone else accidentally discovering it. Imagine my dismay, then, when I pull up weeds in the garden only to discover cat poo oozing between my figures.

And herein lies another difference, I’m informed by cat lovers one of the benefits they enjoy is the fact their infernal pets don’t ‘perform’ on their own doorstep, in other words, poo in their owner’s back garden. Preferring instead to move further afield and foul the living space of other, right-minded individuals.

Well, roaming instincts or not I’ve had enough and if cat owners won’t take responsibility for their miserable moggies I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands.

'What I do need is to find the high-powered water gun that I know is lurking in the shed somewhere and get in some target practice...'

And before anyone starts bleating, yes I’ve tried all the nonsense suggested – mustard powder, orange peel, cat cut-outs, moth balls, I even tried pellets soaked in essence of lion poo.

One incredibly annoying cat owner suggested I should get a cat myself as it will likely keep others away. I did point out that if I did this I’d be just as bad and inconsiderate as all other cat owners but that was simply laughed off as me being purposely provocative.

I definitely don’t need a cat and I don’t need any more suggestions how to rid my personal space of this menace. What I do need is to find the high-powered water gun that I know is lurking in the shed somewhere and get in some target practice.

And finally, if you see one of those ‘Are you a cat lover or a dog lover’ quizzes online take my advice, ignore it and save yourself some time – 24 absurd questions later and guess what it told me I was?

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