After toying with the idea of standing for election, Broadstairs writer and KentOnline columnist Melissa Todd outlines her hypothetical manifesto.

From decriminalising drugs to scrapping school - what could possibly go wrong…?

“If Nigel Farage stands in East Thanet, so shall I”, I wrote on X. I proper meant it too, although I’ll admit to relief when he chose to bother Clacton instead. It costs £1,000 to stand, but also, I’m quite busy, certainly too busy for door-knocking or baby-holding. I’ve a new book coming out in August.

Relief but also regret. I’m a politics nerd: I’d love to see it from the inside one day. Maybe next time, eh? I believe in being prepared, so I’ve started working on my manifesto, and since I won’t be elected I’m free to propose anything I fancy, however radical or improbable. With which in mind:

All drugs to be decriminalised. All sex work to be decriminalised. Everyone to be supplied with a home and a universal basic income, sufficient enough so we can all live with dignity, free from care, with no need to engage in degrading, idiotic, meaningless labour. Money isn’t real. We just invented it. If it isn’t serving our purposes, we can un-invent it as easily.

Education to cease to be compulsory. If it’s so brilliant, why do we have to keep forcing children to endure it? Even children to whom education clearly isn’t suited; children made anxious, miserable and worse even by the word ’school'. It’s such a colossal, unforgivable waste of time and resources. Most people would be better off not knowing how to read or write anyway. It only exposes them to the paucity of their inheritance.

Rather than education, every healthy person must take care of one sick person until they either get better or die. This will be more than enough schooling for anyone.

Fly-tippers, litterers and people who spit in the street to be publicly, immediately flogged, pants down, in a way they will not enjoy. An army of volunteers will be recruited and equipped with martinets. We will politely not enquire whether they enjoy their work, but decorate them with medals and unlimited blackberry wine for their valuable public service.

If you want to own or run a media outlet in this country, you must pay tax in this country. No more influencing citizens without consequences.ba

Since in my head I’m as free to become world dictator as merely East Thanet’s MP, let’s banish borders. This is my planet as much as anyone else’s. How dare some officious lump in a uniform tell me where I’m allowed to breathe? I shall work, play and love wherever I choose, for as long as I choose. We can all wander freely henceforth and settle wherever suits us best, and if it ceases to suit, pack up and try somewhere new.

Renationalise the railways. Legalise euthanasia. People who spill sewage into the sea to be compelled to suck it back out with a paper straw, their discomfort televised.

Inheritance tax to be set at 100%. Let each generation begin afresh trying to survive on its own wits.

I can see absolutely no problems with any of these proposals and will not be taking any questions at this time. Vote for me. I thank you.