Secret Drinker reviews Greene King’s Old Rectory pub in Leybourne, near West Malling

02:48, 11 October 2024

I should really charge Greene King a consultancy fee for this review of the Old Rectory at Leybourne. Seriously guys, follow my five-point plan and you’ll have a great boozer on your hands.

Firstly, this was a Monday afternoon but the place was already busy and all the regulars I spoke to were incredibly supportive of the pub, saying that if it was just managed properly GK would have a real winner.

The Old Rectory in Leybourne, near West Malling, sits well back from the road and there is very little traffic noise to disturb you if you choose to sit outside

And, by the sound of it, they’ve now got the perfect chance as the day I walked in the current manager was on her way out. Maybe this goes some way to explain the rudderless ship I encountered, but it still doesn’t excuse some of the very basic failings I experienced.

It’s a massive pub and is generally in very good order with plenty of space to accommodate scores of diners and, at the same time, provide serious drinkers with enough bar space to relax properly.

One or two bits may have plenty of history, but several other sections have been dressed up specifically to create the impression they’ve got some age.

At first I thought this was the main door of the pub, but it's actually just the door leading to the garden and there's no gate in the fence anymore

Second time lucky, this elaborate hole in the wall is the main entrance to the pub

Even so, there are nice touches – colourful stained glass windows, trendy lightbulbs galore and some decent background music featuring Modfather Weller himself. Sadly these were completely overshadowed by some quite appalling, and unforgiveable, errors.

Forget for a moment that you’ll need to hold your breath walking into the gents, the sight that first greets you is a gaping hole in the wall where the hand drier was wrenched out and nicked weeks ago.

I wouldn’t recommend spending any more time in the toilets than you need to and this has clearly also been the approach taken by whoever’s been tasked with cleaning them. How long the left cubicle has been out of action I’m not sure - the sign requests you to use ‘the other stall’ but, again, I wouldn’t recommend it.

Pictured from the first floor, this is a view of the right-hand side of the pub

If you walk into the pub and turn left you'll find yourself in the oldest part of the building

Here at least, in the absence of the hand drier, someone has lumped a roll of blue paper by the sink.

However, back in bar in the absence of a proper barman, someone had dragged in a complete novice for a trial and left him to his own devices.

Needing to ask for your pint to be topped up can happen, having to make the same request a second time is extremely tiresome, but being served a short measure three times in a row surely shouldn’t happen? Hopefully the trial ended as swiftly as it started.

The sign read 'Caution, wet floor' but that will be the least of your worries in the gents!

This is where the hand drier used to be - one regular told me it was stolen weeks ago

In the absence of anything else someone has placed a roll of blue paper by the sink

I won't go into details but I wouldn't recommend using the other stall either!

Putting aside the toilets, which have been in a right state for years, and a barman who couldn’t pour a pint there are positives. The extensive outdoor area was done up a few years ago and must be a real boon in the summer, bringing in loads of extra trade. However, a regular told me the play area can’t be used following complaints from neighbours about noise.

Although, strangely, the pub does have live music outside and show games on the huge outdoor TV screen.

I’d avoided Greene King’s ‘flagship’ IPA, as I’m not a fan, and tried the brewery’s unfiltered alternative IPA, Ice Breaker instead, which I have to say is a much better pint altogether.

There is a pair of modern fruit machines, a dartboard, plenty of TV screens, an indoor fish pond and even a couple of fellows enjoying a game of chess. The fixtures and fittings are all in pretty good order but I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many plastic flowers in one place at the same time.

There's a large seating area at the front of the pub and, with a good-sized car park between you and the road

If you're in to eat you'll be spoilt for choice, there are plenty of areas set aside for diners

Despite everything, this is a good pub and, judging by the people I met, there are a huge number of locals who really care about it. If Greene King just taps into this feelgood factor then I’m confident this place can go from strength to strength.

So, in no particular order, here are the five key issues to address…

1 Get bar staff who can pour a pint

2 Sort the men’s toilets out

3 Reach out and repair relations with disgruntled neighbours

4 Remove all plastic foliage (inside and out)

5 Recognise and reward loyal locals

Despite the pub's recent failings, the locals have stayed loyal and were happy to share their ideas on how it might be improved

As well as large, open dining areas there are also several smaller, more secluded areas available

Checkmate - a couple of chaps sitting in front of the impressive stained glass windows were enjoying a game of chess

This large seating area is on the left-hand side of the pub and benefits from an impressive outdoor TV screen. At the back you may just be able to make out the now closed children’s play area.

Even the dartboard wasn't safe - if you look carefully you'll see plastic flowers hanging above it

I found this water feature at the far right-hand side inside the Old Rectory and the fish seemed perfectly happy to be here

THE OLD RECTORY, OXLEY SHAW LANE, LEYBOURNE, WEST MALLING ME19 5PU

Décor: It’s a monster of a place and all the furniture and fittings are in pretty good order. As well as a massive dining area, there are plenty of quiet corners for those who just fancy a drink and a chat. The outside area looks good too, the gents are a disaster area. ***

Drink: I’ve tried GK’s ‘flagship’ IPA previously so steered well clear. However, the unfiltered 4.5% Ice Breaker was a pleasant pint with a good fruity hoppiness. ***

Price: I was lucky and my drinking partner was in the chair for most of my visit but I did buy a pint of Ice Breaker pale ale, which was £5.90. ***

Staff: Oh dear, oh dear – I think the barman must have been on trial and shouldn’t have been left alone. I doubt he’s been back for a repeat performance but I’m giving him one star because he was trying and should have had more support. *